Have you ever wondered why we keep doing this deep inner work?
From my own experience, I know there are times when it feels as if no matter what we do, no matter how many therapy sessions, healing modalities, spiritual practices, or inner work we engage in, there is still pain.
And in those moments, it’s easy to wonder: Is any of this actually working, or am I fooling myself?
If that’s what you are feeling, I hope this story renews your faith and sense of purpose.
Pushing the Heavy Boulder
In the early 2000s, my life became very hard. My husband, Mike, and I were struggling financially, creating endless stress for both of us. We persevered because our lives were built on our love for each other. No matter what, he loved me, and I loved him.
And then Mike was diagnosed with cancer in 2006, and after two years of constant cancer treatment, he died on March 17, 2008. Almost eighteen years ago now. I lost my best friend, my soul mate, my reason for living. I was suddenly alone in a world that felt alien to me, and since then, everything has felt like an uphill battle.
For twenty-five years, I’ve been doing this deep inner work. Growing. Healing. Transforming. I’ve studied, practiced, and worked with my own therapists and healers. I’ve done the deep inner work. I’ve cleared patterns, released wounds, forgiven, and surrendered. And with each healing, I felt better. Lighter. More resilient.
But no matter what I did, there was always the persistent sense of a burden that sapped my energy and clouded my vision. It often felt like I was pushing a boulder uphill, and no matter how much I healed, the boulder never reached the top. I kept going, and kept hoping that someday – SOMEDAY – I would finally feel like myself again.
A few months ago, I hit a wall.
Just as I’ve been changing, so has my business. I moved my office into my home and went mostly online, which demanded a lot of adjustment. New tech systems. New website launching. New ways of working I wasn’t used to handling. And one week in February, it all felt like too much.
Endless computer problems. Tech failures. Things constantly malfunctioning. The Tuesday Soul Session I’d poured my heart into had registration issues due to credit card problems from the previous week, and I started to feel beaten down. My skills blossom when I work with people, but when I’m confronted with debilitating tech problems, I’m driven to wonder if I’m cut out for this new world I’m inhabiting.
The Spiritual Clearing
During that week of struggle, I had several epiphanies. In hindsight, I realized I’d picked up energy from other people that led to my crash into grief and self-doubt. I could also see that I’d been pushing too hard, trying to MAKE things happen. So I pulled back.
I did a nourishing spiritual cleanse and let myself truly rest. I reflected and asked myself what I really wanted. And my energy shifted. I still had the same problems, those were real, but I didn’t feel desperate or defeated anymore. I could see the problems without being overwhelmed by them. And on Friday morning of that week, I woke up feeling something I hadn’t felt in twenty-five years.
I felt completely alive.
Not just “I’m doing okay” or “I’m feeling better today.” But genuinely, vibrantly, curiously ALIVE. I had that “Well, that would be cool, let’s go do it!” energy that used to propel me forward through life. The same energy I had before the early 2000s, before the struggle, before losing Mike.
I haven’t felt that spontaneous aliveness in a quarter-century.
Instead of feeling burdened, I was immersed in a deep peace, and I knew to the depth of my being that I love this work, and it doesn’t matter how I do it; it only matters that I do it. If the tech problems continue, I’ll find a way around them, or I’ll invent a different way to do my work. Tech problems are just tech problems; they don’t define or control my passion for helping people.
Now I am free to love the work without being attached to a specific result or a specific method of delivery. I’m okay with whatever happens, open and willing, no matter how I do my work. I felt, and continue to feel, curious, open, and serene because my divine and human selves were/are completely aligned. Where there had been emotional chaos and unsolvable problems, there was now ease.
This was the healing I’ve longed for, worked for, and desired for as long as I can remember.
What Triggered It?
I’ve pondered what finally created this breakthrough.
Was it the spiritual clearing? Was it rest and perspective? Was it twenty-five years of cumulative healing work finally reaching critical mass?
Yes. All of that. And also this:
The tech chaos that felt like the universe was against me actually forced me to surrender. To stop pushing. To step back and look at what I really wanted. To be willing to receive help instead of fighting alone.
And while leading the “Opening to Receive Love” process on Tuesday, I went through that journey WITH everyone else in the group. I opened to receive at the same time they did, and that allowed the old burden to lift, and my sense of aliveness to bloom again.
I couldn’t have manufactured this breakthrough. I couldn’t have forced it, scheduled it, or made it happen through sheer will.
It arrived when I was ready.
All I could do was keep showing up. Keep doing the work. Keep wanting alignment and peace bad enough that nothing else was acceptable. Keep staying the course even when I doubted.
The Lessons That My Week of Chaos Taught Me
Here’s what I learned about why we keep doing this work:
Cumulative healing creates an opening we cannot force.
Every therapy session matters. Every spiritual practice matters. Every moment of self-reflection, forgiveness, and inner work matters. Not because each one will be THE breakthrough. But because together, they’re building the foundation for whole-life healing to finally arrive.
We can’t control when that happens. We can’t manufacture it. We can’t push harder, try more modalities, or force ourselves to heal faster.
We can only keep showing up.
Keep doing the work even when it feels like not enough is changing. Keep staying the course even when the burden feels immovable.
Keep wanting healing and alignment so deeply that we refuse to settle for anything less.
And then one day, often triggered by something unexpected, something that looks like disaster but is actually grace, the burden lifts, and peace arrives. You feel like yourself again, and both your human and divine selves rest in ease.
That’s why we keep doing this work.
The Invitation
If you’re in the middle of your healing journey right now and wondering whether any of this is actually working, if you’re tired, struggling, or questioning whether to keep going, I want you to know:
This work is cumulative. Every bit matters. Every healing session, every practice, every moment of choosing growth over staying stuck, it’s all building toward something you can’t see yet.
Keep showing up.
Keep doing the work even when you doubt. Keep heeding the call to heal. Keep wanting alignment bad enough that nothing else will do. And know that somewhere down the road, peace arrives, probably when you least expect it. Not because you forced it. But because you stayed the course long enough for it to find you.
The burden can lift. The aliveness can return. Human and divine can align.
I’m living proof of that today.
If you recognize yourself in this essay and would like a guide to help you along your journey to reclaiming your joy and freedom, I invite you to fill out my intake form.