For years, I told people, “I’m stubborn. It’s best not to get into a stubborn fight with me because no one will win.”

I said this with a particular pride. It was simply who I was—a fundamental part of my personality that I never questioned. My stubbornness was as much a part of me as my eye color or my laugh.

Until recently, when I sat quietly one day and realized: I don’t want to claim this trait anymore.

And that simple recognition opened a door to something much more profound.

 

Where Does Self-Sabotage Come From?

The more I sat with this realization, the more confused I became. Was I really stubborn? Because when I looked at how I actually moved through the world, I saw someone who tended to want to accommodate people when I could. Someone who favored collaboration over “every man for himself.” Someone who valued flexibility and connection.

So, where did this stubbornness originate? And why had I been carrying it around like a badge of identity for so long?

I began to trace it backward, and what I discovered was both surprising and obvious: I had developed my stubbornness at a very young age as a way to assert some independence in a family with many rules about behavior. My three-year-old self, living under very rigid circumstances, needed a way to assert herself, to carve out a small space of autonomy in an environment that didn’t leave much room for it.

Her strategy was to dig in her heels, as a way of saying, “I exist, and I matter.”

And it worked. That stubbornness served her beautifully.

The problem? My three-year-old’s coping mechanism came with me into adulthood. What once protected me began to sabotage me.

 

How to Heal Negative Hidden Habits

Here’s what I discovered about how this old wound was showing up in my adult life: “No” had become a habit, just like “yes” can become a habit for people-pleasers.

When someone was being too controlling, my automatic response was to fall back on stubbornness and refuse to go along. I would refuse to cooperate with whatever the other person wanted—not because I had actually examined the request and decided it didn’t work for me, but because my ingrained pattern was to say no.

This was unnecessarily destructive, especially in relationships.

Instead of allowing myself to sit with a suggestion or request from another person and determine how I really felt about it, my habit took over. I would react from that three-year-old place of needing to assert independence, rather than respond from my adult self, who values connection and collaboration.

It was an example of a profound lack of presence on my part. I wasn’t allowing myself to really examine what I wanted to do. I was operating on autopilot, letting an old survival strategy dictate my decisions.

The Hidden Wounds We Carry

This is how we develop personality traits that once served us as children but now sabotage us as adults.

We create these strategies in response to our childhood circumstances, and they work. They help us survive, cope, or claim whatever small piece of power or safety we can find. We become the peacemaker, the perfectionist, the rebel, the invisible one, the helper, the stubborn one.

These adaptations are brilliant in their moment. They’re evidence of our resilience and creativity.

But then we grow up. We leave those original circumstances. And these traits—these outdated strategies—come with us. We claim them as our identity without ever questioning whether they still serve us or whether they’re now creating the very problems we’re trying to avoid.

The peacemaker can’t set boundaries. The perfectionist can’t rest. The helper can’t receive. The stubborn one can’t collaborate.

We carry these hidden wounds into our adult relationships, our work, our daily choices—often without even realizing they’re operating beneath the surface.

 

The Healing Practice

Once I recognized my stubbornness as an old coping mechanism rather than an inherent trait, something shifted within me.

Now, whenever it comes up, whenever I feel that automatic “no” rising in response to a request or suggestion, I pause. I imagine my three-year-old self digging in her heels, fierce and determined.

And I thank her.

I thank her for working so hard to create independence for me under very rigid circumstances. I acknowledge how well she did her job. I tell her it’s no longer necessary to be stubborn, because I am now a completely independent adult and don’t need her to fight my battles anymore.

Then I imagine taking her in my arms, giving her a big hug, and telling her I love her completely.

This is precisely what I would do in hypnosis with a client who had a similar pattern. We would find that younger self, honor their strategy, release them from their duty, and allow the adult self to choose consciously in the present moment.

 

How to Identify Your Self-Sabotaging Behaviors

I invite you to examine the personality traits you’ve long taken for granted. The ones you claim without question: “I’m just…” “I’ve always been…” “That’s just how I am…”

Ask yourself:

• Does this trait actually align with who I want to be now?
• When did I develop this trait? What was happening in my life?
• What was this trait protecting me from or helping me achieve?
• How does it show up in my adult life now—especially in relationships?
• Is it serving me, or is it sabotaging me?

Look particularly at the traits that create patterns of automatic reaction rather than conscious response. The ones that operate like habits—so ingrained you don’t even notice them until something makes you pause and wonder.

These are often the hidden wounds, the outdated strategies, the parts of yourself that are still fighting childhood battles in adult situations.

The Gift of Presence

What I encourage in all my work is more day-to-day awareness of your emotions and habits so you can be fully present in your life and not react out of old patterns.

It is presence that brings us joy. When we can be fully present in a relationship, we can be completely honest with ourselves and the other person. We can respond to what’s actually happening now, rather than what happened in the past.

We can see the difference between a genuine boundary and an automatic “no.” Between healthy independence and defensive stubbornness. Between self-protection and self-sabotage.

This work isn’t about getting rid of parts of yourself. It’s about recognizing which parts are still operating from old wounds, thanking them for their service, and gently releasing them so you can choose consciously how you want to show up in your life today.

 

Working Together

If you recognize yourself in this essay and see traits you’ve claimed as part of your identity that might actually be hidden wounds, I’d love to support you in this exploration and invite you to fill out my intake form.

Hypnosis is an ideal tool for this work because it allows us to communicate directly with these younger parts of ourselves. We can thank them for their hard work, let them know they don’t need to struggle anymore, and integrate them with love and compassion.

Through psycho-spiritual hypnotherapy, we can uncover these patterns, understand where they came from, and create new ways of being that actually align with who you are now and who you want to become.

You don’t have to keep operating from outdated strategies. You can choose presence. You can choose honesty. You can choose to respond rather than react.

Your three-year-old self did a fantastic job protecting you. Now it’s time to let them rest and step fully into your adult power.